


Tripwires

by NightfireRed



Category: Hollywood Undead (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 02:54:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9858929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightfireRed/pseuds/NightfireRed
Summary: They say what doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. But does this rule apply to everything? And does breaking up with someone always mean it`s all over?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to a new multi-chapter story! It is the darkest one I have written as of today. Please, before reading make sure to notice all the tags and warnings. As the story goes on, new tags and characters will be added.  
> I really hope you guys will enjoy reading this work. 
> 
> It would be really nice to get any kind of response from you, be it kudos, reviews or messages [on my tumblr](http://nightfirered.tumblr.com/)  
> If you want to just have a conversation about anything - you are also welcome in my inbox :)
> 
> As always, hope you enjoy. (You`ve been warned). 
> 
> Thank you for reading! :3

“You like that?”  
“Yeah, babe. Need more.”  
“Then take it.”  
  
Jorel slams into the girl he met some 20 minutes ago even harder. Her moans are lost in the deafening pulsing music of the nightclub they are currently in. Dirty bathroom stall decorated with graffiti, random scribbles, cracked tiles, broken lock – how very typical of a suburban nightclub it is. Her moans sound even louder when he pulls her messy long auburn hair. She curves her back, trying to be even closer to Jorel. But he just pushes her against the stall door, she manages to avoid her face meeting the surface in the last moment. He couldn`t care less about it.  
She doesn`t mind this graceless attitude towards her. They both know why they came in the first place. No commitment, no obligations. They are here for a quick and rough fuck. Safe one nevertheless.  
Jorel sees only the girl`s back now and he can swear he can`t remember how she looks like. He doubts she remembers his appearance either. And asking for names now would be ridiculous. They`ll never see each other again anyway.  
She cries in pleasure one last time and scratches the door with her long acrylic nails that glow neon pink in the ultraviolet light. For a second he is mesmerized by the view and numbly stares at her fingers. He doesn`t feel that ecstatic when he comes.  
His body is shaking in aftershocks and his mind is screaming in agony.  
  
The girls fixes her dress and turns around to face Jorel. He can`t see past her ruined makeup and glassy eyes. He fixes his clothes as well, manages to crack a tiny smile even. She says something to him, the only things he sees is how her lips are moving. She finally gives up on her attempts to convey a message and just winks him goodbye.  
  
_Need more drink. Definitely._  
  
The previous drink plethora of various strength has already worn off. He leaves the bathroom and returns to the main dancefloor/bar area. His senses are immediately abused by the strobe light and ever louder pulsing music. Jorel feels nauseous. The view of people making out messily here and there doesn`t help a bit.  
  
_So hot. Better go fetch another drink._ _Crash some pills maybe._  
  
It was a challenge to literally fight the way through the dancing (or they consider themselves doing so) crowd. He was happy to reach the relative safety of the bar, far from the catcalls, suggestive talks, unceremonious gropes and lust starving stares.  
  
Jorel opts for a set of shots and straight vodka this time. The bar guy smirks knowingly when serving the drinks.  
  
The rest of the night passed by quickly, like a filmstrip scrolled too fast. There definitely were more drinks, smashed blunts and emotionless flirt involved.  
  
The drop dead gorgeous sunrise appears on the horizon. Jorel lazily sips on the containment of the bottle (a crazy, probably deadly hazardous mix of almost every single booze they had in a bar) as he enjoys the view and sits on the ground near his now impossibly hollow one-storied house.  
He silently wishes that he were maybe not that gorgeous but definitely dead now. Living without any hint of a tolerance for it, well, is a torture. He is brave enough to confess (to himself at least) that he is not brave (or egoistic) enough to make away with himself. Maybe somewhere deep inside there still was that weak spark of hope for the better future.  
  
The headache kicks hard and unexpectedly. The pulsing one, which definitely followed the pattern of the nightclub tunes, with every second only intensified.  
  
_Time to be a man and enter the house. It`s your own damn house. Come the fuck in._

It is pleasantly cool inside. The empty living room is unwelcoming. Jorel can swear he could hear an echo when the bundle of keys he threw landed on the low coffee table.  
Soft meowing leads him to the kitchen. He crouches to pet his Bengal cat, Tiger, that sniffs his owner`s hand and huffs as in disapproval. Jorel smiles weakly, “Hey, little one. You hungry, huh?” He glances at two bowls in the far end of the kitchen, the one with food is half-empty, the one with water is barely touched. He gets up and refills both anyway. Taking care of his beloved pet will always be his priority, no matter how bad himself he feels.  
  
Jorel opens one of the kitchen drawers and rummages through it, looking for a cure for his headache and other approaching hangover symptoms. All drawers look also somewhat empty.  
He pretends he doesn`t hear how loud the sound of the running tap water is.  
  
_It`s the least I could do for now._  
  
With the cat and hangover taken care of, Jorel proceeds to the bedroom. He used to whine that there was not enough space for the two on the bed and in the room itself. Now he wants to fall asleep as soon as possible, just to be spared from seeing these dull blank walls. The sheets and cover are cool against his feverish hot skin. He crumples the fabric in his fists; the sensation drifts him back to the nights he stayed up on. Those nights definitely weren`t the lonely ones.  
  
He misses them.  
  
He misses him, to be precise.  
  
_What an idiot._  
  
Some people cry themselves to sleep. Jorel laughs himself to sleep. He laughs because he is tired. He laughs because his life falls apart. He laughs because of the seemingly dead-end situation he found himself in.  
  
_Good thing I ain`t have no job today._

With this thought, Jorel passes out on the bed, still dressed in the same clothes. His plain black tshirt and dark blue jeans carry the barely there traces of this wild lonely night. Cigarette smoke, sweat, perfume and alcohol.  
  
He sees a bunch of various dreams; the last one involves a certain guy he is still in love with. When he wakes up around 4 pm, he smiles, all because he has forgotten that they broke up already a month ago.  
  
He feels happy again for a millisecond or so. Until the harsh reality strikes back, worse than the most severe hangover.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a slow-paced, mostly filling-in chapter. Hope you`ll enjoy it anyway. Thank you for reading! Any kind of feedback is appreciated. x

Who knew that it`d turn out like this. It all started with a typical fight, Jay and Aron had had hundreds of those before. Many things happened in the last almost three years they spent together. They`ve been through thick and thin. Yet, in the end, they always found ways to mend fences. They definitely had it worse, right?  
  
Only one day Jay returned home only to see that Aron`s belongings had been taken away. Aron left absolutely no reminding of his presence there. As if they never shared a house at all.   
  
Then there were phone calls, voicemails, texts…   
All sent and failed to reach the addressee.   
  
Seemed like Aron tried his best to erase himself from Jorel`s life. And he did that quite damn successfully, much to the latter`s growing grief and anger.   
  
It`s been two months already.

 

_Wow, time flies, huh?_

  
The first couple of weeks were easier in comparison to the current situation. He used to cling to the self-deceptiveness method, in vain attempts to convince himself that he never needed Aron and that the relationship they had brought more bad than good to both parties. He was angry and mad. He didn`t cry though. He is just extremely exhausted.   
  
“Breakup? We`ve all been there!”   
  
The neat pale blue letters on the cover of the women`s magazine attracted Jay`s attention. He has been strolling among the rows of shelves in Walmart aimlessly, since he has already grabbed his lunch (a packet of chocolate chip cookies, a bottle of still water and a pack of chicken salad wedge sandwiches - what a choice. His diet is definitely not the healthiest one as of today. But it`s not a surprise, even sleep makes him somehow tired, that means no spare energy for cooking a proper meal). After a short consideration he added the magazine to his basket. He needed a distraction during the lunchbreak and this month`s issue promised to shed some light on the whole breaking up drama. The surprised looks he got from the woman on the checkout didn`t affect him in the slightest. At some point some two weeks ago, he stopped caring about anything. As simple as that. It`s easier this way.   
  
The auto repair shop Jorel works at is located right across the road from the Walmart. Thirty more minutes until his shift continues. He takes a seat on a bench near the shopping center`s parking lot, starts eating and reading.   
According to the article, he is currently somewhere between stages called “Denial” and “Confusion”. And it`s a long long way till the last one called “Acceptance and Moving On.” Well, it isn`t that far from the truth. He has already started realizing that Aron doesn`t want him in his life anymore, that he won`t come back. And Jorel can`t do anything about this fact.   
  
_Ha, no wonder on that one. I spent almost a month pretending nothing ever happened, and it took me only several pictures to look at in order to get hurt and mad so much, that I got fucked up on drinks and weed and banged some chick later that night. My weakness moment. Shame on me. How mature it was to lead a life of a hermit ever since. I wonder how Aron is coping. Is he okay? Where does he live now? Damn, because of me he is practically homeless? It was my idea after all to move in together in my house, he moved out from his rented apartment because of me. Congratulations, Jorel Decker. You have officially fucked up not only yours but Aron`s life too. How nice of me. Good fucking job._

“Aye aye, captain, what`s good?”  
  
Jorel raises his eyes from the magazine page and sees his friend Dylan, who approaches him and salutes with the venti Starbucks cup.   
Jorel snaps back to reality. “Hey, how`s yourself?”  
Dylan flops on the bench next to Jay and pats his friend`s back, “You weren`t at the party yesterday…”  
“Shit, was it yesterday?”  
Dylan nods. Jorel sighs, “Sorry, man. Got all distracted with work and stuff and-”  
“You still beating yourself up for what happened? Dude, it`s been what, two months? Gotta be thankful that yours and that melodramatic psycho`s ways parted. I know it sounded harsh. But someone had to say it. You two didn`t seem happy lately. And then… Then it all went to a shitstorm. Shit happens, man. If you are looking for someone to blame, well, it`s definitely not you.”  
  
Jorel just listens and sips his water silently. It`s only around one pm, and yet he could use a several hours long nap now.  
  
“I`m sorry it happened, and, well, I guess I have to say sorry for that you all had to bear with me, and,’ Jorel waves his hand, “this.”  
  
Dylan smiles sympathetically, unsatisfied with the answer he received, and then holds out Jorel`s bag of chocolate chip cookies. Jorel looks at him with “are you serious now” expression, but accepts the treat anyway. “So, what`s happened with your ride this time?” Jorel mentally pats himself on the back for a swift switching of the topic.  
  
As expected, Dylan sighs deeply, but doesn`t push this sensitive topic further. He`s been trying to help Jorel, who isn`t ready to accept the help provided. Maybe now is not the right time.

“I may have or may have not drove my baby off the road, and you know, all these rocks and dust. You can imagine the consequences,” coyly replies Dylan.   
“Alright, nothing changes, I`ve got ya. Shouldn`t be anything too serious, as always,” Jay tries his best to not give out how tired and worn out he is.   
“Thanks, man, appreciate it. I`ve parked my baby near the shop. Had a chat with Johnny. He told me you`d be here.”  
Jorel shrugs at the mention of his boss` name. Johnny is the owner of the place, and, surprise surprise, is actually a nice guy. Jay can finally say that he truly likes his current workplace. And he knows what he`s talking about, he`s changed so many workplaces and jobs throughout his life.   
  
“Uhm, I guess it`s time for us to see what`s wrong with your beloved ride!” Jorel sounds almost excited. He enjoys being an auto mechanic, helping others. Mainly his work keeps him afloat lately.   
  
The two friends slowly proceed back to the shop, the sun at last has some mercy on LA and doesn`t burn everything on its way. Perfect weather for strolls and car rides. Jorel considers changing his schedule a bit for tonight. Instead of flopping on bed immediately after he crosses the threshold of his house, he opts for going to the beach.   
  
The universe has other plans on him.   
  
Jorel freezes on the spot after reading the text he just received. Dylan stops his typical cheerful chatter, not that Jorel had been paying that much attention to what he`s actually been saying.   
  
“What`s up?” inquires Dylan, genuinely curious.   
  
Jay looks at his friend, expression lost, “Aron wants to meet tonight.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, before the chapter starts, here are some additional details. This story is set in this year of 2017; but everyone`s age is seven years younger (so, Aron`s birthday will be mentioned in the following chapter, which means that in this work`s universe he`ll turn only 27 on the 2nd of March). And yes, this is an AU story, because there is no band in it. I`m sorry that I haven`t stated all of these at the very beginning. Thanks to the lovely riddell for asking :) 
> 
> Now, let`s talk about schedule. I`ll do my best to post at least two chapters a week. But I don`t promise that I`ll always stick to it, because you all know how unpredictable university life it. 
> 
> If you have any questions or just wanna talk, feel free to contact me :) I`m always up to a nice conversation 
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I want you to know that this chapter contains references to the mental illness and drug abuse. Everything that is mentioned here concerning these topics are based off on either my own experience or some of my relatives`/friends`. Please, keep it in mind while reading. I just don`t want anyone to think that I just made it up without relating to anything, just being dramatic. Thank you for understanding. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!  
> Any kind of feedback is appreciated.   
> Take care guys <3

“You are not going anywhere,” Dylan says, his face expression dead serious.  
“Explain,” Jorel bites back. He really wishes he could put out this emotional buzzing inside, steadily growing with every passing second.   
Dylan shakes his head in defeat and sighs, “Haven`t you understood yet? He has been ruining you. And, let me tell you something, he did that intentionally. You wanna know why? He loves seeing people suffer, yet he plays it like he`s the victim here. Jay, bro, wake the hell up, how cant y-”

  
Jorel swings. Hard. The realization follows quickly. He is scared. Not because his probably only friend left is now trying to stop his nose bleeding. But because this act of random violence made him feel so much better. World snapped back to bright colors.

“I`m not going to apologize. Dylan, bro,” Jorel mocks his friend`s line, “you fucking know how much he means to me! And, you can think of us whatever you want, but you don`t know shit. You show up here, with this “what`s up, everything`s good, stop being so sad” attitude. How can you be so smug, Dylan? You, well, claim you have ascended here to save me from this, as you say, toxic relationship. But you don`t know no-thing. Absolutely nothing. You aren`t my guardian angel, I never asked for one. So you can fuck off with your “help”, and, please, quit pretending that you care.”  
  
By the time Jay finishes rambling, Dylan already straightened, stopping nosebleed with the sleeve of his hoodie.   
Dylan`s voice is muffled and sounds a bit odd, “I guess now you feel better at least?”  
Jorel nods, biting lips is no longer helping with fighting tears back. He inhales noisily, tears already rolling down his cheeks.   
“Come here,” Dylan wraps his free arm around Jorel, bringing closer. Jay sobs into his friend`s shoulder.  
  
“I love him.”  
  
Dylan pats Jay`s back, gesture of somewhat comfort.   
  
Jorel cries for the first time in three months.

 

It`s seven pm. At last.  
Jorel clocks out and waves his co-workers goodbye absent-mindedly. It leaves him three more hours to get changed and get to the meeting point.   
  
It`s only a ten minute drive from work to home, good lord there was no much traffic in the area. Perks of living in a hood.   
  
He turns the key in the lock and already hears how Tiger jumps from the table with a thud and proceeds to the door to greet his owner.   
“Hey yourself, sorry I`m kinda in a rush. If I`m lucky tonight though,” says Jay hopefully, “then you`ll have someone to play at 3 am with again.”   
  
That never happened.   


“Until tomorrow, as in, in a couple of hours?” Jorel does his best to keep his voice even.   
Aron nods in confirmation and takes another drag. “Missed this, they don`t let me have cigarettes there. It`s not like I`m doing meth or something. It`s damn cigarettes. Morons. It`s out of the question, me becoming teetotal or else.”  
  
As agreed, Jorel picked Aron up near a subway station. Aron has a car, at least last time they met he still had it. This fact added another question to the list. Jorel was dying to ask them all at once and get immediate answers.   
Everything of a value he has gotten so far though was just one sentence. “I`m trapped in a rehab center, they let me out for a day, that`s something, so we gotta make sure I`m back there at eight am.”  
  
No greetings, no anything.   
Even Jorel can`t say what he was expecting, but definitely something different.   
  
They are silently driving around night LA, Aron smokes cigarettes one after another and looks out of the open window. Jay is still not over the fact that he and Aron are in the same car. He doubts whether their breakup and the past couple of months happened at all.

Jay keep his eyes on the road mainly, but takes quick glances now and then at the passenger seat where Aron is.

He looks different. Calmer. Tired. Somehow thinner.   
He is the same. That smirk. Careless attitude. Edgy vibes.  
  
Night city lights and neon signs reflect in strange shapes on the windshield and hood of the car; for a Wednesday night, there are a lot of people outside, some just walking, some having fun and carousing; occasionally to this usual downtown cacophony add the sound of sirens, be it emergency services or the police.

“You deserve to know the whole story. And my apology, of course.” Aron`s voice is raw from the cigarettes, it`s obvious he hasn`t smoked in quite a while.   
“Just, tell me everything already. It`s killing me, being so close to you without any kind of interaction, you know?”   
Aron smiles, still looking out of the window, “Haha, fair enough.”

They pull over to the gas station. The night is young and they need some aid to survive through the entire night.

  
This scene reminded Jorel of the times when he and Aron just started dating. They both used to live in different parts of the city, had totally mismatched work schedules and the only possible at that time option was spending nights out. It usually went this way: they met somewhere in town, stocked up with cheap booze and energy drinks, went to some nightclub or just wandered on the streets. They have never been particularly rich, somewhere in the low middle category. But it didn`t stop them from having good time. Only after they both realized that there was something more happening, actual proper dates and movie nights changed all night long partying.

Jorel smiles at the memory of their first kiss, which also happened at one of the gas stations. Aron made a joke that it was “like in a Lana`s video.”

While Jorel was paying for the fuel, Aron was carefully examining the labels on energy drinks.   
“What`s up?” Jorel comes to Aron and puts his chin on Aron`s shoulder. Aron tilts his head and leans closer.   
“You`re a cat,” smiles Jorel. Aron smiles too. “Speaking of, how`s my boy?”  
“Tiger? He`s good. I think he misses you,” Jorel regrets adding the last part, he doesn`t want to screw everything up right at the very outset.   
Nothing bad follows. Aron just shrugs and says that he misses him too.   
  
No one elaborated on whether it really implied that they actually meant each other, Aron and Jorel.

“Don`t know how this one interacts with meds though. I`d better choose coffee tonight,” says Aron dreamily and puts back the can with energy drink.   
  
They drove far away from the city, somewhere to the north, up to the hills where the viewpoint of LA is.   
  
It`s a cold night, 56 Fahrenheit, beautiful nonetheless.

“Just please don`t ask me for a dance.”  
Jorel`s puzzled look makes Aron laugh. “LA`s viewpoint, night. La La Land vibes going on here.”   
Jorel laughs too. He thought he`s forgotten how to do it.

 

 

They sit in the car with passenger door opened, silent, for a couple of minutes, enjoying the view.   
  
Aron starts, unsure, “I guess I`ll just tell you everything how it is.”  
Jorel squeezes Aron`s hand in reassurance.

It feels surreal.  
  
“After that stupid fight we had, I stayed at my friend`s place for some time. No lies here, I felt like shit. I`m sure you`ve already guessed that then I was taking pills, mixed it with drinks. Abusing, rather…  


…I don`t even know what to say, just saying “sorry” obviously won`t make up for everything you had to come through because of me. And, yeah, I`ve lost my way, became addict, tried to hide it from everyone. There was a reason I started taking painkillers, I knew there was something wrong with me, like, with my head. Your friends were right, you were dating a lunatic…

  
…and when I got the results of the medical tests. I`ve lost it. I got a proof that I really am a frenetic. They strongly suggested me getting medical treatment and stuff, but you know, insurance doesn`t grow on trees…

  
…so, I couldn`t deal with it anymore. I`ve hurt all the people I love. I hurt you, which is the worst. Plus, those mental issues were progressing. Weed, booze, pills, nothing worked anymore. So, on the last money I had I got some new kind of pills. I overdosed. I can`t even recall whether it was intentional or not. Next thing I remember – waking up in this rehab facility…

  
…She says I won`t come out of there until I`m 100% clean. Love my sister. I really do. Good thing that, unlike me, she knew that I needed help so badly. Turns out I`m not invincible after all, how ironic.”  
  
Aron`s voice is eerily steady and robot-like emotionless. But there are tears on his face. It is also scary because his face expression is so blank. He just numbly looks somewhere far away, nowhere in particular.

He looks broken.

“Why didn`t you tell me?” Jorel whispers, afraid to scare Aron off.  
“And make it all even worse? You think I didn`t realize that I`ve been suck a jerk to everyone and you in particular? I am more than aware of it. And it was tearing me apart. It`s like you see someone you love being hurt, but you are behind the glass and can`t do shit about the situation. And the person who causes this pain is you. See? It`s a constant battle, and I`m on a losing side of it. I couldn`t take it any longer, damn, I actually was considering to vote myself out of this world. That`s why I decided to burn all bridges, run away from you. This was my plan on how to not cause you any suffering anymore. Awful plan, I agree here. But my sick mind decided that it was a perfect strategy back then. Now that my head cleared out a bit, I came back to you, telling you this story you deserve like no other to hear.”

“I`m so sorry, A,” says Jorel quietly, then slams his palm on the steering wheel, “FUCK! It was MY fault. I`m so sorry!”

Aron looks unimpressed. “What for?”  
“I should`ve noticed. We LIVED together, and whoa, I am a stupid blind idiot. It`s my fault, Aron. I should have been there for you more often, been more careful, attentive.”  
“Don`t you even start it. We both screwed up big time then, if you wish. Just my contribution was bigger. Case solved.”  
  
With these words, Aron leaves the car and lights another cigarette. Jorel stays in for a handful of seconds longer, trying to calm down.   
It is almost impossible, the speed on which his mind is processing new information. He walks out and lights a cigarette too.

“Inbetween therapy sessions and times when I`m drugged to unconsciousness, I write. Lyrics, songs sometimes. Isn`t it funny, had to almost kill myself to come back to music,” Aron`s voice is alive again, yet tired.   
Jorel is speechless. He can`t understand why Aron still makes suicide implied jokes.

Aron turns around to face Jorel and finally looks at him properly. Jorel is scared to breathe. Aron`s lips are curved in a light smile. His eyes are empty.  
  
“Jay. I don`t ask for your forgiveness. I apologize for all the bad things I did to you. I really am sorry. And I hope you`ll understand that I can`t be with you or anyone else in a relationship now. Not until I learn how to live with myself first.”

It does feel like a punch in a gut to Jorel, but he keeps his composure, “I understand, yes. And I want you to know that, no matter what I`ll-”

“Don’t! Don`t tell me that you`ll wait for me. It`d be the worst thing you could do. Please, live your life. Don`t look back. We`ll be together again if we`re meant to. But for now, please, Jorel, do it to me. Just live.”

  
They have been talking for some time about everything and nothing in particular. The torture it was, keeping distance with the one you are so in love with. No matter what, unconditionally, after all the hardships.

They knew better than crossing that line. For the sake of them both. If they did, the inevitable parting might have killed them at the spot.

  
Jorel watched how dawn was slowly appearing on the dark sky, Aron was napping on his lap, curled on the backseat of the car.   
Jorel couldn`t sleep. He was crying silently, repeating that night in his head over again. Realization of everything that`d happened hit him hard with a huge delay. Even though Aron was right next to him, warm and real, he still thought he was hallucinating. Just as he appeared out of nowhere, he disappeared in no time.   
  
Seemed like he returned home from work some minutes ago. Now, after long and heart-tearing goodbyes with Aron, Jorel found himself in his house again. Lonely and miserable as never before.

Tiger curled beside Jorel while he was sobbing violently on the floor.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me longer than usual to finish this chapter. This story becomes alarmingly more and more personal. It`s funny because having written this I finally managed to glance at my own failed relationship experience, I finally was honest with myself and admitted that it was me who ruined everything. This chapter is poorly structured, but it somehow feels right. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you`ll enjoy reading this nevertheless.   
> Any feedback is much appreciated   
> x

“I screwed up big times.   
  
I know that`s not how people start their letters. But I ain`t people. You have always been telling me how desperate I am to stand out, to show the world how different I am. And this aspiration ended up in me being so vile and edgy.   


This letter is meant to not excuse and justify my behavior or my existence as such. This is my apology. And I have already told you, I don`t expect you to forgive me.

  
It`s the least I can do as of today. Words may be a powerful tool, but they won`t ever change the past where I hurt you so bad it`s beyond reparable.   
  
I don`t want you to think that I`m trying to make you feel sorry for me, rather, I`d want you to understand why I was, or maybe still am, like that.

Do you remember how we met? Been a while ago, three years give or take.

You didn`t even notice me back then. It`s no wonder, since I was just a guy helping local bands with soundchecks, untangling wires and making sure the mic wouldn`t switch off in the middle of a show.

I hated that tiny bar, too many people for such a tiny smothering place. But I loved my job, was the closest I could get to the magical world of music industry.   
Isn`t it ironic that I used to think I`d be a kick ass motherfucker of the music industry by now. I`m 27 already (I`ve got extra time with my psychotherapist as a birthday present, isn`t that cool), and I`m nowhere near to that. Awesome, right?

Back to the story.

So I worked there, staying invisible. Don`t know for how long you`d been showing up for the Friday night shows, but the first time I truly noticed you was somewhere close to Halloween. Remember that girl, she was hitting up on you so desperately that night. You were so polite when ditching her, did your best to not show how much she was getting on your nerves. It caught my eye.   
I`ve been secretly living from Friday to Friday, only to see you again. To be honest, I actually developed a crush. But I was scared to just come up to you and start a conversation.   
The universe was kind to me and I got my first chance to perform on stage. I was so damn anxious. You showed up out of nowhere, closer to the end when I already got legit upset that you weren`t there. At least you heard the last song I performed. Your voice was shaky when you asked me for a drink later, as if it were you pining over me all that time. (As we discovered later you actually were. Why are people so complicated and shy? And it`s still a mystery for me how you managed to spent hours just looking how I worked without me noticing it.)  
Anyway, you know what happened next.   
I know that we`ve talked about this for so many times, but now I feel like it`s the right thing to do, telling you everything over again. I need it.

I`ve just started realizing the extent of the catastrophe. I am writing this to you to prove and remind myself that it actually happened. I bet you remember all the times I complained that everything seemed unreal, like, I was seeing everything through someone else`s eyes. I actually didn`t realize that some things were looked okay from my perspective but were terrifying to others. Like that time when I said nothing`d happed if I jump from the bridge, like, it wouldn`t kill me since it`s not real. You held my hand the rest of the day, refusing to let go. All those suicide jokes and death references, I was that much of a selfish idiot to think they were relatable to others as well. Like, I followed the logic that if I feel like that, then, others can relate too, I`m not insane or something.  
  
But now we know that I actually am not okay, but it`s not an excuse for my actions. I may be crazy but I still am responsible for my behavior and deeds. I don`t know why I am always so careless when it comes to my health.   
  
Maybe you are right, I am an attention whore. I live for it? It` easier for me when I`m the object of people`s hate, so I can be mean to the world too. It`s a vicious circle. I make everyone mad at me, so I can play the role of a poor victim.   
  
I understand that now.   
  
I`m sorry that I`m losing tracks, jump from one thing to another. It`s just so many things I`d like to tell you.

  
I brought up that story of how we started dating because it was the time when I let myself believe that someone might actually be nice to me. Not for taking advantage or whatever. Just, well, because of me. Since then I was patiently waiting for you to finally tell me to fuck off, I was scared to relax and just enjoy our time together. I started thinking about how we were going to break up right from the start. My therapist calls it defensive pessimism. I never wait for anything good to happen, it`s better than always expecting a happy end and being constantly disappointed.

When I told you that I love you I didn`t mean it. I said it because you confessed me first, and I felt it was a right thing to do. I liked you so much back then though. We just weren`t on the same page. And probably we never were.   
  
I am a coward. I didn`t find courage to tell you everything honestly how it was. I was scared to lose you. Yet I did everything to push you away, like, run away, boy, before it`s too late. But you faced my intolerable behavior with such unheard patience and daring.   
  
It`s easier when someone ditches you, so, once again, you can blame everyone but yourself in it. And it doesn`t matter that it was you all along who caused it.   
  
I am weak.

I am pathetic. And deserve none of everything good you did to me.  

So when I finally, finally got used to the thought that, wow, it`s the first and definitely last time when I care about someone as much as someone cares about me, I got terrified. That`s when I was honest with myself and admitted that I love you too. I never told you this though.

Once again, lovely reminder that I`m a selfish, egocentric, unstable and pettish person. I cared only about myself.   
To cope with reoccurring thoughts about losing you, with this toxic jealousy and my own depression I started abusing drugs.  
I couldn`t bear with loving you. I never get too close to people because I can`t survive losing them.

And see, how fucked up my perception of reality is, I never trusted you when you frankly told me how much you love me. Maybe I`ve lost the ability to believe and trust people whatsoever.   
  
I hate this word, love. But we don`t have anything better to express so much in such a trivial word.

  
Years of living all by myself made me who I am. And these trust issues of mine helped me so often to survive. Yet they destroyed the human traits in me as well. I don`t know how to be around people anymore. Being hated became my standard of living. I was okay with feeling annoyance and anger only.   
  
With you I don`t know how to be normal. You make me feel something I`m not used to.

All I ever did was disappointing, hurting, and being mean to you.

You really are an angel cause you`ve been tolerating me. If you killed me, no one would blame you.

I can`t be forgiven.   


When we broke up, well, I didn`t want to live. Not because we were no longer together. But because I realized what kind of a monster I am. It took me so much to come to terms with it.

You are the last person on this damn planet to deserve this suffering.

I am not proud of the things I did to you.  
  
Wish we never met, so you`d have a normal happy life, just like you should.   
  
I am a pathetic coward because I write this stupid letter instead of saying it to your face. And I hide, I run far away from you. From everyone. When no one`s around, no one`ll end up hurt, right?

  
  
It`s one more month for me to go on in a rehab.   
  
It won`t make me a different person.  
  
But it let me discover what kind of person I really am. And I doubt this person is the one you kissed, whispering sweet nothings.

This is my goodbye to you, Jorel. Swan song, if you wish.

I really am sorry…”

 

  
  
Jorel has read these lines so many times that it seems like he knows them by heart.

_This is it then, the actual end._

It is around ten pm when Jorel leaves his house for the first time in two days. He goes jogging. He keeps on running until his leg muscles start burning and his lungs give out. He feels sick and lightheaded. Maybe it was a bad idea to have a physical activity without having eaten anything in the part several hours.

But Jorel doesn`t care.

It was nice to finally leave the four walls of his home.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I`m not keeping up with my own life, let alone this fanfic`s updates. This chapter is not edited and poorly structured. You`ve been warned. Some action finally starts in the next chapter though :D Thank you for being patient. x

Jorel looks at Johnny, confused. He must have heard something wrong. “Excuse me?”  
Johnny sighs, and shakes his head, explaining. “See? How can I let you work if you can`t even comprehend the simplest things. How can`t you see what you`ve become?”  
  
Jorel raises his eyes, eyelids heavy from sleep deprivation, and looks at his reflection in the polished chrome details on the wall.   
  
_Nothing new. Same old Jay. How come everyone started caring about my looks?_

He shifts slightly in the armchair, short nails digging into its faux leather upholstery. He`s always been good at bottling up his feelings, add here him being late to work today and being scolded by a demanding and rude customer. Rough day.   
  
Rough life, if you wish.  
  
_See how far we went from the high school? Right, not that far. Same problems, the whole world is against you. Only this time you truly are one on one with all this shit.  
Pathetic._

_  
_ Johnny gives Jorel a worried look.

“When was the last time you slept?”  
“Not so long ago,” Jay`s answer is honest. He fell asleep in the middle of his shift upon unboxing and sorting out newly arrived car accessories.   
  
“Jorel,” Johnny`s voice suddenly becomes steely as he gets up from his desk and comes closer to his employee, “as your boss, I do insist on you taking a vacation. Considering your current condition you might hurt yourself at work, or else. You snap at customers, you doze off, you rather sleepwalking, not working.”  
  
Jorel`s eyes are fixed on the floor. Nothing really changes, he`s used to being in such position.   
  
_I always fail. See, I`ve screwed up again. Maybe it`d really be better to leave for some time_.

“And as your friend… Man, we`ve been watching you slowly dissociating for way too long. Deep inside you understand that it can`t go on like this anymore. Now it`s just the right time to stop. And if you worry about work, then I got you covered, I`ll make everything official. It`s been a while since you last took a break. Please, Jorel. For once, take care of yourself and not of the rest of the world. It`s not worth of saving anyway.”  
  
Absent-mindedly Jorel nods.   
  
“We good then?” asks unusually excited Johnny.   
  
“Yeah, I guess you`re right…”   
  
With papers in his hands and five days of freedom lying ahead, Jorel leaves the auto repair shop.  
  
What is it like to be free? Like, actually free. Free from the heavy grievous thoughts and permanent anxiety. They are always somewhere there.   
  
He can swear he doesn`t remember anymore how it feels like. He`s not used to the sensation of happiness.  
Being happy is exhausting.   
So is being depressed.   
The only difference is, to which condition you are used to more.   


Five full days of doing nothing. What a luxury.   
  
On the way home Jorel tries not to think how this will affect his bills. He exists from one paycheck till another. No spare money to save for… For what? Big new house with white picket fence for a family of three?   
Bullshit.  
  
This is not the life Jorel dreams of.   
  
Dreams to start his own band are left somewhere behind, shattered by a depressing reality.   
  
All you do is work, work, and work 24/7 and the rest is free for you to do whatever you want.   
  
At least Jorel likes his job.

 

He never had so much time at his disposal. It scares Jorel a bit. He doesn`t have a slightest idea of what to do with this generous gift of time. And money. Johnny insisted on accepting the extra money reward.   
“For doing such a great job for so long. You deserved it like no other.”

Ha, perks of being an introverted asocial person without a family. You have all time of the world to dissolve in the work routine. The continuous repetition of a certain set of actions helps to stay afloat, helps to drown reoccurring thoughts out. Helps pretending to be a normal person.

 

It`s the late afternoon.

The sun is still up the sky, but not for too long.   
  
Jorel finishes cleaning his house real quickly. There was almost nothing to clean. Having a depression doesn`t make your place automatically messy. Another example of misrepresentation in media.   
  
Tiger is curled on the edge of the sofa, sleeping peacefully.

Jorel tried to take a nap as well. But he was so tired that he couldn`t sleep at all.   
  
_There was this unexplainable warm feeling inside, when I watched Aron sleep. He`d come back home after a nightshift at the bar or elsewhere, I`d have a couple more hours until I had to go to work. These times were so good, so quiet._

_  
I need to stop._

Fighting these good memories, suppressing them is a tricky task. What one is supposed to do when the only good memories he has are one way or another related to the one certain person?

_Need to get out._

  
Hearing the sound of his own voice is disturbing for some reason.

  
“I got you. One venti espresso macchiato. It`d be 4.99, cash or credit?” proudly says the barista. Seriously, what do they do to be so cheerful all the time?

“That`d be cash,” says Jorel as he gives a five dollar bill to the irritatingly happy looking barista.

“Thanks a lot, you can get your order at the next counter reeeeal soon. Next, please!”  
  
With a steaming hot cup of a freshly brewed coffee in your hand, life seems to suck less.

From the ridiculous world of Starbucks Jorel goes out back to the streets. It is nice, to aimlessly stroll along them. No one expects you to be anywhere by a certain time and you don`t feel bad for granting yourself some time off because you don`t have impending pile of work waiting for you to come back.

Jorel takes his time to enjoy his drink while listening to some cover songs by a street performer. The guy looks like he`s around twenty. Despite being so young, his singing really is decent and pleasant to listen to.   
Being a polite man that Jorel is, he leaves a twenty for the performer.   
  
If he couldn`t make it, maybe this young guy will have a chance to fight his way to the top.

LA is notorious for being a cruel city where everyone is ready to do anything for fame and money.

That`s ironic. That`s sad.

  
_One day people will know our names. We`ll be famous. Together._

Aron used to say that from time to time, until it was apparent that the music career wasn`t the path Jorel would like to follow.   
Or maybe he was just too scared?

It`s Aron who lived in the clouds, always full of crazy ideas and starry expectations.   
As for Jorel, he was the one bringing him back to reality every single time.

What if he took a risk?   
  
_No. That`s lame. Stop thinking about it. Stop. Please, just cut it out already. These stupid memories._  
  


Buried deep in his own thoughts, Jorel haven`t noticed how he walked around the block and found himself near the same Starbucks.

Through the huge window glass he takes a quick look inside. The place is full of people, all laughing and smiling. Living their happy lives.

Jorel never felt himself so lonely before, in such a huge city as LA is.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: this is the short chapter, mainly serving the purpose of linking the two major parts of this work. And the next chapter (I promise this time) will be more lively. And there will be Danny! Yeeey.   
> Thank you for reading x   
> Any kind of feedback is appreciated :)

Life gets better. Slowly but surely. Who`d have known that staying at least not sad is so time consuming?   
  
To wake up and don`t feel disgusted with the entire world straight away takes a lot of courage and effort.  
As happens with almost any hard work, such dedication is bound to give results eventually. All you need is patience.

This small vacation helped a lot more than Jorel had expected it to. Of course, there is a long way lying ahead until he reaches his best condition again. Maybe that`ll never happen, as the damage made is irreparable, but a chance to be happy is worth taking nevertheless.

One morning Jorel just opened his eyes and decided that he`d had enough. He`d been enduring the emotional pain for so long. No more. Living in the past never helped anyone; it was high time to move forward. He suffered himself and because of it suffered everyone around him. It didn`t do any good for any party. Time to be a man and stop mourning over something that can`t be brought back.

People don`t say for nothing that time heals all the wounds. Somehow that`s very true.

He`s been trying his best to live a new life for almost a month now.

That doesn`t mean that me miraculously got rid of depression, longing memories and overall sadness. Overwhelming emotional outbursts still occur now and then, leaving Jorel weeping at nights, thinking that he`ll never get over the whole situation.

Thing is, such episodes tend to happen less and less with time passing.

Even bright, yet so far short, sparks of joy flash in Jorel`s soul from time to time.

Jorel haven`t expected that his reaction would be so intense, upon receiving the news that Dylan is finally getting married.

“I still can`t believe she said “yes”! Man, my hands were shaking like crazy,” Dylan keeps on rattling away the details of his proposal story.

“Did you expect her to say otherwise? You guys been together for what, five years? You have two kids, for God`s sake, of course she agreed,” says amused Jorel and lightly nudges his glowing with happiness friend.    
The two guys were chilling on the patio near the pool on the enormous territory of Dylan`s house.

It always amused Jorel that despite his friend having left the hood long ago and now being a famous actor living in a fancy house, he keeps on coming back to where it all started. Dylan swears that there`s no bar in luxurious Beverly Hills that would be at least a half as great as any in their old neighborhood. He genuinely enjoys driving around the quarter he grew up in, never minding it being criminal and rusty.

But what really is admirable, is that Dylan, now having made it to the world of Hollywood, stayed the same laidback guy, ever cracking inappropriate jokes and getting into trouble for being blatantly honest all the time.   
  
“I didn`t tell anyone but you about our engagement yet. Wanna keep it private, you know? Family only business.” Dylan sighs, apparently thinking about the annoying press and paparazzi.

“Sure, no problem. Thank you for sharing it. Appreciate it…” Jorel gives Dylan a tight hug.

“Don`t thank me, we`re family, remember? Of course you deserve to know everything first.” Dylan breaks a hug and looks right at Jorel. “And don`t you ever apologize for what happened. Leave the past in the past. Better take care of the things now to make the future suck a bit less.”

Jorel kept on repeating “I`m sorry” for weeks, because he didn`t know what else he could do to restore, to his mind, “ruined” relationship with his best friend.   
Dylan just shrugged it off, insisting on that they`re totally cool and that they`ve been through even worse times. People need friends so they can be by one`s side through thick and thin, no exceptions.

They have been chatting throughout the entire day, chilling, leaving all the problems of the outer world aside. They both missed it, each other`s company. Just like in good old days. Cheap beer, quality weed, and tons of takeaway food.

“You know, I`m thinking about throwing a party. Anna with kids is visiting her mom next week, so... you know where I`m going here.”

“Let me know where and when. I`m up to whatever you`re planning… I`m so happy for you. Congrats, once again,” Jorel smiles genuinely, giving his friend a goodbye hug.

“Thanks, man. You`ll be on my wedding, by the way. And I won`t accept any other reply but the affirmative one. But for now, see you next week? I`ll call you soon.” Dylan smiles in return and pats Jorel`s back, “I`m so happy you are getting better.”

“Me too, man. Me too.”

On the outside, Jorel is lowkey excited.

On the inside, he is living for this party. It`s time to be back to the real world, and this party is a good opportunity for it. Taking small steps, one at a time.  
Jorel might not be the biggest fan of people in general, but every human being needs a company once in a while.   



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. I hate myself too. I don`t promise that updates will be regular again, because I suddenly faced the dreadful writer`s block. And now I don`t even feel like continuing the story. I`ll try my best though. Thank you for understanding.

Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it. People say it for a reason.

Jorel raises his eyes from the book he`s half-mindedly reading and takes a look at the man sitting next to him, furiously typing something on his MacBook Air.

_Fucking hipster. What`s so special about you? Why do I feel what I feel?_

They know each other for about three weeks now. Yes, they met at that party Dylan threw. But the circumstances weren`t like the ones you see in the movies. Jorel didn`t think twice whether to help this guy he`s having a major crush on now. It`s wasn`t a big deal for him to tell a guy to fuck off from Danny, who wasn`t having it at all. And why do people think that only girls suffer from unwanted attention and sexual harassment?

Danny found Jorel in the crowd later, apologized that he didn`t thank him right after. By that time Jorel already forgot about this incident. He helps people because he is like this and can`t have it other way. Naturally, Danny, being an extremely polite person he is, offered to take Jorel out for a drink sometime. As a gesture of gratitude.

One enjoyable night out lead to another. Time flew on illegal speed.

And only now it hits Jorel how much and fast he`s fallen for this angelic PhD student who studies law and likes having too much sugar in his coffee. The mere thought that he savors every second spent around Danny is dreading to Jorel.

_No, I`m not getting attached. He`s everything that I don`t like about people. And here we are, 24/7 on the phone, having nights out almost every day, and what`s worse, I`m struck with inability to think about anything but him._

_I`m so screwed._

They just spend time together, talking. No physical contact involved.   
It`s not dating, yet it`s not friendship either.   
The unity of souls, as corny as it sounds.

Danny invited Jorel to come over to his place.

Jorel agreed.

That`s how he found himself in a nice and neat apartment, close to the downtown LA.

Jorel is reading a book silently; Danny is working on his research paper, offering to make more tea from time to time.

“You want to ask me something?” Danny softly asks still looking at his laptop monitor, as he feels Jorel glaring at him.    
“Uhmm, yes, I do, actually,” Jorel blurts out. He wanted to ignore this question, but his mouth reacted faster than his mind.

Danny stops typing and looks at Jorel.

“You know, never mind, it`s nothing,” Jorel says. He hopes that the blush on his cheeks is left unnoticed.

_Fuck you and your brown puppy eyes. Just fuck you for being so perfect._

Danny`s face expression changes from excitement to confusion, but the little smile on his lips is still there. He huffs and gets back to work. “One more page and I`m done for today, you wanna order takeaway meanwhile? I`m starving. The list of phone numbers is on the fridge.”

The actual meaning of the words Jorel just heard gets to him only a couple of seconds later. He is mesmerized by Danny`s casual voice, what`s going to happen when he hears him actually sing? God only knows.

_Voice of a freaking angel. Why are you like this, Daniel Rose?_

Jorel is secretly glad to leave the room and go to the kitchen, with every minute around Danny he`s losing his mind more and more.   
The glass of ice-cold water doesn`t put out the heat spreading in his body and tame some unwanted fantasies.

He calls the first number and when the food will be delivered some 40 minutes later, he`ll be surprised to find several extra items in the bag he doesn`t remember ordering, so distracted and preoccupied he is.

They watch a movie and eat in silence.

It`s a comforting silence.

Inside Jorel wants to scream.

_Just like a pathetic teen. Get it together, Decker. It`s a wrong person to fangirl over. Everything happening now is terribly wrong. Try to keep your soppy emotions to yourself and don`t fuck at least this up._

_Too late._

The rest of the night was a blur. There were conversations on rather deep controversial topics, more tea and takeaway food. Some cigarettes inbetween. Good background music.

“You sure you don`t want to stay? I don`t imply anything, here`s enough space for us two… Let me at least call you a cab? Are you sure you`ll be okay?” The concern in Danny`s voice sounds genuine.

It`s obvious that none of the two wants to say goodbye, but both perfectly understand that it has to be done.

It`s too early for anything. It`s the wrong time.

In the very last minute before twisting the doorknob and then leaving, Jorel stops and turns around, facing Danny.

“No, Danny, I`m not sure I`ll be okay.”  
  
His voice traitorously gives out on the last word, covered by silent whimper.

Danny holds Jorel in a warm loose embrace when the latter cries.

Jorel is not even embarrassed anymore of crying in front of someone else who is not his cat. He`s too tired to care.   
Being so close to Danny feels right. It feels safe and calm. Long forgotten feeling.

So Jorel grabs this opportunity to be weak for some time and uses it fully.

“I`ll make you the bed in the living room, okay? Please, stay here tonight.” It is obvious that Danny is on the verge of breaking down as well, but he keeps his emotions at bay, as much as it`s possible. But at what cost.

Jorel steps back and angrily wipes his tears with the sleeve of his hoodie. “I`m just tired, I`m sorry, and-”

“Don`t be,” interrupts Danny and smiles kindly. “It`s perfectly fine, to cry, I mean. I cry myself to sleep all the time.”

_You`ve also been hurt so much. But why aren`t you bitter about it? Why are you still so kind to this fucking world? How do you do that?_

It was too late when Jorel realized that he`s actually said this out loud.

“It`s a topic for another conversation. We`ll talk about it later. Promise. Come here.”

This time the hug is tight and gentle at the same time.

While Jorel thinks that he just made the leap of faith into the abyss of another romantic attachment, Danny thinks of how he`s going to skip his night`s sleep to finish his research paper. He will never admit to anyone that ever since Jorel came over, he`s been typing absolute nonsense on his laptop. He`s too preoccupied with the thoughts about the guy who he met just three weeks ago. This very guy who he holds so close now. This very guy he cares so much about, even though he doesn’t know how to show it.  

 

Seems like they both crossed the point of no return.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.   
> Here`s some good news. This work will be finished within the following month.  
> Here`s some bad news. I really struggle with this work. So I apologise for the gradually dropping quality. But I don`t like leaving works unfinished so bear with it.  
> !!!Before reading, please mind changes in tags and warnings!!! 
> 
> Dear riddell and HU_shipper, thank you so much for leaving positive feedback! I read everything. And I am terribly sorry for not replying. This work just takes my last powers.   
> Special note for riddell - спасибо большое за наводку! эту работу на фикбуке я сама же и редактировала, переводчики очень мило и грамотно попросили разрешение, так что все хорошо. Спасибо еще раз!

“Tell me everything about him,” looking wild, Jorel dives straight into the conversation. The confused look on Dylan`s face tells everything for itself, “Good morning to you too, Jay.”   
They met in downtown LA for lunch, Dylan suggested them go and have a talk as he was getting quite annoyed at all the messages he`d been getting from Jorel during the past several days.

Stubborn side of Jorel won and he is not willing to admit that he has a crush now. Major crush.

“What do you want me to say? I thought you guys spent enough time one on one already, I doubt I can tell you something new. Plus, I don`t know him that well, it was Matt who brought him to the party.”

Jorel stirs his coffee with a small spoon and sighs, he looks uncertain, “Thing is, no matter how much time we spend, I have this nagging feeling that I don`t know him at all.”

“Is that a problem? Doesn`t seem like this fact stopped you from falling for him. All I know is that this guy been through enough messed up shit in his life. To my mind, the best thing for you now is to calm down, if he wants you to tell about his past, he will when the time is right. He is definitely not the type who will lead you on for nothing. Give him time, that`s all.”

Dylan gives Jorel sympathetic look, the latter feels ashamed of being so emotionally weak, giving in under the pressure of stupid romantic feels and pining.

“I hope you`re right. You are always right.”

“True that,” smiles Dylan smugly. “You wanna order a dessert? And stop checking on your phone every damn second.”

“_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”

“It`s actually better here than you described.”

Very familiar voice makes Jorel turn away from the engine he`s been working on and raise his eyes.

_Well, what the hell._

Danny looks so out of place here. Dressed too dapper, his bleached blond hair messily styled, takeaway cup of coffee from some hipster coffeeshop in his one hand, car keys from the new shiny BMW 3 Series in another.   
Everything about him is very odd in this typical hood environment. He`s too good looking, too rich, too artsy for this place. Needless to say, people like him aren`t usually welcome here. No one likes rich kids in poor neighborhoods.

“Uhm, hi,” Jorel is super tense, he feels like his coworkers are turning their gaze back and forth from him to Danny. Everything gets even more awkward when all dressed up Danny gives a hug to worn out looking Jorel, his palms are still covered in motor oil. “Let`s go out, away from the audience,” he murmurs while Danny is still holding him close.

It`s a pleasant evening, the sun is burning red, and the air still keeps the heat from the day. But it`s still better to be out in the heat, secluded from people, than inside, where the air is cool and you are being watched.

“I thought you were joking when you said that you want to visit me here.” To avoid eye contact, Jorel pays too much attention to wiping his hands clean.   
“Don`t wanna seem defensive here, but I don`t mind in a slightest bit coming here to you. And if you haven`t noticed I`m not one of those spoiled brats from Bel Air. So what we live in, well, different areas, you are always the one visiting me. So it`s only fair that I am here. I don`t give a fuck what others think of me being around this area. If someone has problems with that, they can fuck off.”

Jorel is amused listening to Danny`s tirade. Not every day you see him so out of his usual calm character.

“You`re done?” asks Jorel, there`s a hint of coy in his voice.

“Yeah, sorry. It`s just… Every time I am in the place like here, no offence though, I get these strange looks. Dylan is always in his plate, everywhere he goes. But all people see in me is just a rich guy who is ready to suck someone`s dick around the nearest corner just for the thrill of it. I`m just tired of this. I`m not like that, at least anymore, and-”

“What did you say?” Jorel felt how blood ran cold in his veins. He hopes till the end that he misheard something.

“You think I decided to become a lawyer simply because my acting career didn`t work out? I know we didn`t talk about that much, but still. Damn, Jay, I-”

“You don`t have to say anything if you don`t want to, it`s o-”

“No. I have told this to like a couple of people before. And I will tell you now. Because I feel like I haven`t been honest enough with you. And you deserve to be honest with.”

For a couple of seconds Danny looks away, collecting his thoughts, his voice sounds steely, flat. Jorel wants to stab himself with something because the absurdity of the situation is just getting greater.

“I started all this acting thing when I was eighteen, castings, photoshoots, parties – it was all fun, exciting. Got the taste of a cool Hollywood celebrity life. But with this glam lifestyle I also learned about its ugly opposite side. Learned more than I cared to. Learned the hard way. But I know that many more guys and girls like me got it even worse. So I never complained. I grew up thinking that, uhm, abuse and, well, other untasteful things done by casting directors, photographers and so on is a price you have to pay for making it in Hollywood. It was the most fucked up lie I ever bought. But the damage was done when I realized that it`s not right, nothing is right. You know, once you get in the business, in this side of business, it`s not as easy to actually get out of it. I was lucky to escape without any major consequences. But trust me, there are so many young clueless naïve kids that need help out there, so I decid-”

The rest of the story was lost in Jorel`s mind, his head filled with white noise of rage, grief, shock, protectiveness, empathy, and rage again.

_People are cruel bastards. He didn`t deserve any of that. No one does. And he was so young. But why is he so life-loving and kind after all of that… He doesn`t seem broken at all, fuck, it must have taken so much courage and bravery of him to fight back for his life and the wellbeing of others. And you whine because of a minor heartbreak. You, pathetic jerk. He`s way too good for you. Why did you even had this hope in the first place that he`ll ever like you back. He`s just being nice to you, as he is nice to everyone else, regardless how hurt and broken he is._

All thoughts dance like a destructive storm in Jorel`s mind, but his face reveals nothing. Only white knuckles on his right hand curled into a fist give his rage out.

“So now you know everything, Jay. That`s pretty much it about what I wasn`t honest with you about. I`m sorry for just spilling this all out on you. I know that`s a plenty. But still I`m glad I did.” Danny`s voice is still emotionless and lifeless with a hint of sadness.

“I`m sorry, Danny… I don`t know what else to say.” Jorel feels like a total dickhead for being unable to express more than that.

“You don`t have to, it`s fine. Just don`t pity me. It was in the past. It`s all good now, as you can see. Anyway, is it allowed to smoke here?”

“_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”

So Danny stayed with Jay at work till the end of his shift. They didn`t talk much. Jorel was trying to make the most out of the last working hours and Danny was casually scrolling feed on his iPhone.   
It is Friday night, kickoff for the weekend. Jorel didn`t usually look forward these 2 days of freedom because it left him one on one with his loneliness for the long 48 hours. Until he met Danny, no matter how cringeworthy it sounds.

Danny is still on his phone when Jorel clocks out and says goodbye to everyone.

“Before we go somewhere, do you mind to come to my place real quick? I need to change and grab some things, wasn`t expecting you to come so early, after all,” says Jay, zipping his black hoodie.

“Yes, absolutely. Jump in, will show me the route,” says Danny unlocking his fancy car. Jorel silently curses himself for coming to work on foot today. He really wasn`t ready for Danny to show up out of nowhere.   
  
The ride goes mainly in silence, Jorel just says “turn right” or “keep left” every now and then. They reach his house pretty quick. He wishes it lasted a bit more. They just sit in a car, no one`s moving.

Danny`s phone lights up with a notification.   
  
“You like music, right? I know where we will go tonight.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don`t hate me for this one, I know the chapter is not good either. Drama alert in the end though. :P Thank you all for reading <3

It`s a strange, almost forgotten feeling for Jorel, having someone else in his house. He silently curses because the living room looks a bit messy and there`s nothing in the fridge that he can offer his guest.

“Crash wherever you wish. And help yourself with anything in the kitchen, if you find something. I`ll be back in a minute.” Jay doesn`t wait for Danny`s reply and storms away to the bedroom.

Danny still says “thanks” quietly and proceeds to looking around the living room. It looks faceless, as if something is missing there, some nice personal touches and details here and there. It`s cold almost. The unsettling feeling of being watched doesn`t help, with every move around the place Danny feels the intense glare of the cat from the kitchen. The cat still gives him a suspicious look, as if saying “stay away from me and this place, I don`t like you.”

Meanwhile Jorel just flops on the bed and closes his eyes, just for around a minute he lies still, with his tired eyes closed, breathing evenly.

_Too much information. Too many things to be stressed out about. It`s too damn much._

All sorts of thoughts flash in Jay`s mind, all range from Danny`s traumatic past to the further disgust for the humanity. In the range of just one evening and one brutally honest story, Jorel learned so much new information about the guy he is into, that it changed the entire perception of him. He wanted to learn more about Danny`s past, he got it. He got way more than he intended to, though.

_How can I look at him now, I was so wrong. All this time I was so fucking wrong. Of course, our past doesn`t define who we are in the present. But, damn. He has literally been to hell, he survived through all this pain. That`s why his positivity seems so forced sometimes, like he`s trying too hard. And in the end he is just a wounded and scarred kid who just wants his normal life back._

He braces himself, focuses on the current tasks in the attempt to avoid being buried under the weight of the thinking process. Get up, change clothes, comb hair. Some steps to make himself look somewhat presentable.

_Don`t forget to breathe. You`ll just twist this doorknob now, leave the room and face Danny. He`s the same person you`ve fallen for. All that changed is that you have to be strong now, for him and for yourself. And not overshare your pathetic problems with him anymore. He is dealing with all his traumas just perfectly and you whine once a minor inconvenience occurs. Keep it together, for fuck`s sake._  
  
“Don`t mind him, he doesn`t get along with new people easily, or people in general. But he never bites or scratches, just won`t let you cuddle him, that`s all.” There is still echo in the room when Jorel says it.

Danny just huffs at this and shrugs. “Perhaps he knows that I`m more of a dog guy.”

The ride to the venue lasts a bit more than they both planned, but you can never be sure considering the terrible traffic in Los Angeles. They are heading to a club where local bands usually perform. Huge labels have signed up so many artists after scouts noticed them at the venue. This Friday night is very promising, Jorel genuinely missed music. He tries not to think of those nights when he and Aron would stay up and just make some songs or write lyrics. This creative aspect of his life ceased to exist since his and Aron`s paths diverged. And Jay thinks that he is recuperated enough to come back to music without getting constant flashbacks of sadness and associations with hurt.

So, long story short, Jay is excited even if he doesn`t show it that much.

They had to park several blocks away, as usual, the lack of parking space is the real problem everyone faces here. This fifteen-minute walk through the crowded streets of their city is almost as good as the anticipation of the show itself. It`s just two of them, Danny and Jorel, together. It feels good, effortless, easy. No one expects anything from anyone. They just enjoy each other`s company.   
  
The club is definitely bigger than the one where Jorel and Aron first met. It looks more polished, but still has this spirit of good old classic rock bars. There are people crowding outside, the venue is definitely going to be packed, which isn`t surprising in the slightest. The security just sent some underage girls home, a couple of guys were suspended for selling drugs nearby. Very typical picture to witness.

“This way, come on,” says Danny and takes Jorel`s hand, guiding him to the backstage door. Security guy just nods to them and lets them in.

Once they cross several corridors and go up two floors up the stairs, they find themselves in the sort of VIP area, above the stage and the main dancefloor area. The view that opens from there is just perfect.

“So, how do you like it?” beams Danny, waiting for no other but positive reply.

“It`s fucking amazing, man!” excitement in Jorel`s voice was surprising even for himself. “I, don`t -, just thank you, I guess? I really like it in here.”

“I`m glad you do. You`re welcome. I often come here, and I decided to finally share this with you. I think we both need some distraction and to have fun time, right?”

Jorel just turns to Danny and smiles. He also catches himself thinking that Danny looks illegally handsome in this dim light, perhaps even pretty.

The place gradually fills with people, technicians and sound engineers finish setting everything up. Lighting changes from dim to darkness, only stage and the bars near the entrance has been left lit.

The first two bands performed were actually good, despite them both being only amateur college musicians. They got their fair share of well-deserved attention and cheers. The music styles of artists range from rock to rap and from indie to even something electronic. It is all very enjoyable and of a surprisingly good quality.

In two hours of enjoying the music, casual conversation, and some drinks later Jorel and Danny definitely got closer, in all senses. Consumed alcohol contributed to the topics they discussed getting more juicy and to the space between them getting smaller. So in no time they were almost cuddling on the extremely uncomfortable leather couch.

“Do you wanna go down, dance a bit?” Jorel`s suggestion is eagerly accepted by Danny who pecks Jay`s cheek as a sign of agreement. Hand in hand they do down the suddenly so slippery stairs. Or blame this clumsiness on the drinks they had.

It is much hotter on the dancefloor. People actively have fun and seems like they don`t even pay much attention to the musicians. Avoiding the main crowd, they stop by the wall on the left side from the stage from where they still get the good view.  

The main act of the show is about to start, from what Jorel has heard so far, this band is fire. Almost too good for this place.   
But Jay doesn`t care, all his attention is drawn to Danny.

_Don`t fuck it up, please. Just don`t fuck it up_.

Danny sands with his back to the stage and wants to say something, but stops in the last moment. Jorel is mesmerized; all his thoughts evolve around one thing, how good it is to be close to Danny.

The crowd starts cheering when the band appears on the stage, seems like everyone here is just for listening to them live.

But Jorel doesn`t care, he haven`t even heard the announced name of the band. Because suddenly he feels Danny`s lips on his and everything else doesn`t matter anymore.

The kiss is agonizingly slow and not sensual at all, because Jorel`s lips are numb from drinking too much.

When they finally break this semi awkward kiss, Jorel opens his eyes and sees Danny`s glowing with happiness face. He averts his eyes briefly to take a glance at the stage and his blood runs cold because there`s Aron who looks right at him from there.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something you guys need to know. I am Taylor Swift. I am able to write things only when I`m not in the relationships or when the said relationships are over. My works become eerily realistic in the way that they reflect too many things actually happened in my life. And I don`t want to post things that I`m not 100 percent happy with. This work legit drains me, but I`m not leaving it unfinished. There will be 2-3 chapters more. I cut the original plot down and it won`t include some of the plot twists. Thus I`ll concentrate on making a better ending. And it`ll be the start to the new works in the nearest future.   
> Thank you for understanding! <3

_…was a blast! Thanks for coming, and being such an awesome crowd tonight. I mean it, thank each and every one of you._

“Is it because I kissed you? Jorel, for fuck`s sake, talk to me!” Danny says it loud enough for other people around to hear and turn their heads in their direction, curious.

Jorel`s head is spinning. He feels sick. The effect of consumed liquor has already worn off, leaving for now nausea and sensory sensitivity to fight with.

“I`m sorry. It`s not -”

Danny loses his temper completely and slams Jorel against the wall of the damned club. The music is still being played inside and the walls tremble with every bass wave. “I`m sick of listening to your generic “it`s not about you” exuses over and over. You better tell me what`s up right here and right now. I thought you were-“

“When I tell you that it`s not you, I mean it. So stop yelling for a sec and let me explain,” Jorel`s voice is steely and firm. He pushes Danny`s arm away from himself, breaking free, and lights a cigarette. It doesn`t bother him anymore that he most probably going to pay fine for this. He needs some validation; everything turned into ashes in seconds, after all.

“_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”

_It`s too hot here. So where does this shiver come from? This can`t be happening, I didn`t have that much to start seeing things, did I?_

Aron looks at Jorel for good twenty seconds, his face expression is somehow a mix of euphoria and disgust. Jorel is utterly shocked. His lips are glistering wet from being kissed by some guy with bleached blond hair.

The picture is complete when Jorel hears Aron`s voice with mocking notes in it.

“…to see familiar face in the crowd today. It`s funny how life can be cruel sometimes and there`s absolutely nothing you can do. That`s what our first song is about.”

Apart from Aron there are three more guys on the stage. One of them Jorel instantly recognizes, one of Aron`s closest friends. Everyone always called him Gadjet. Another guy sometimes showed up at Aron`s work, he was one of the bouncers there, but definitely had a talent for rhyming lines and rapping in general. Jorel can`t remember his name now. The third one is definitely a new face, Jorel doesn`t remember him at all.

Jorel is mesmerized by how confident and badass Aron looks on the stage. Everything in him screams how much he enjoys doing what he`s doing. Jorel even notes how much healthier Aron looks, much happier even. Now Aron is definitely where he belongs, in the spotlight, performing his songs for fans.

The crowd cheers and sings along the lines from songs, everyone is having a good time, everyone is having fun. Everyone but Jorel.

He feels like throwing up when he figures out which song Aron`s band is now playing. “Gravestone”. In this one Jorel contributed by proofreading the lyrics and suggesting some alterations. The song sounds so different, so powerful now, blasting loud and clear. He drowns in memories so suddenly rushed to his head.

“…alright?” Danny`s voice is almost inaudible, it`s too noisy and loud here.

Jorel shakes his head, unable to repeat anything but “I`m sorry, I gotta go.”

Danny looks concerned, hurt and confusion are in his eyes. He quickly snatches a bottle of water someone left on the counter and grabs Jorel`s arm, dragging him through the crowd towards the exit.

“_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”

The pack of smokes is halfway gone by the time Jorel finishes his story about him and Aron. Danny is legit pissed off, maybe the first time Jorel sees him like this.

“So, basically, you and that Deuce guy, who turns out to be the very same person who fucked you up, used to mess around and then he gone crazy and broke your heart by disappearing from your life, all bridges burned. And tonight he magically reappears, you take a look at him and realize that you are still pretty much into him? And why the fuck haven`t you told me anything? You knew we were going to see his band tonight. And said absolutely no word. I had absolutely no fucking clue that your ex is a superstar now!”

Jorel is baffled by Danny`s bitter reaction.

“You may be hurt, and it`s understandable, but look at this from another angle,” he continues. “I meet you, absolutely randomly, just in time when I feel at my lowest, just like you. There`s instantly so much empathy and understanding between us. It`s so easy to trust you, to open up to you. Like, I thought you`d never hurt me as you came through something similar. And what we get in the end? You- you,” Danny`s voice is now somewhat a broken, bitter laughter, “You were never honest with yourself, Jay. Was it your plan, to lead me on and leave me hot and bothered like this? You enjoy it?  Lying to me? Using me as a comfy substitution after you were ditched?”

Danny is laughing like a madman now. It`s terrifying.

“Everything I`m going to say now will only make me look even more like a moron in your eyes. But I`m being honest now, just like I`ve always been, Danny.” Jorel evens his breathing, makes sure Danny listens, and continues. “Firstly, I will always love him. But that doesn`t mean I want to come back to him, or been thinking about it ever since I met you. I`m thankful for everything I had with him, it`s been a lot, and it wasn`t easy. I`m happy that we went through that, and I`m happy that it`s over. And secondly, Danny, don`t you fucking ever make accusations like this. You aren`t entitled to decide what I feel or not, okay? I didn`t show everything I feel because I`m terrified. The whole thing with you, it`s too good yet evolving too fast. And you know that I am simply not ready for being a perfect boyfriend for you. I don`t show my affection to you, as I try to slow thing down. Not because I don`t like you. The reason is that I`m fucking not ready for being that perfect guy you want me to be. I`m not about that sugar sweet life, not anymore. But my feelings to you are still genuine and real.”

“That`s what this is about. That`s how you see me. Attention craving whore that needs only material things? Well, joke`s on you, Jay. If it wasn`t for Dylan, I`d still think that you just tolerate me and try to get rid of me when the moment is right. He told me way more about your feeling for me than you ever did. You are always up to having a convo about anything but your emotions. So basically Dylan gave me courage to approach you, as I am always, still am unsure whether you like me or not!”

_This is a fucking train crash. Wonderful. Welcome to the end of the world._

“I barely talk to other people, Danny. How else was I supposed to let you know that I like you? I talk to you basically all the time, more than with anyone else. You are practically the only person I hang out with. Would I do that if I didn`t like you?”

Danny raises his hands in defeat and shakes his head, disappointed. “Shouldn`t have brought you here tonight. Shouldn`t have tried to kiss you. Who knows, maybe I shouldn`t have even tried to get closer to you at all. You are still clinging to the past anyway.”

Now it`s time for Jorel to be the furious one. “I`ve said it before, I`ll say it again, _Danny_ ,” he sneers. “I do like you. The fact that I didn`t kiss you back or take things further is because, one, I am not ready. Two, these aren`t the best circumstances for it, I can`t just erase from my memories everything I had in the past with him. He was a huge part of my life. Three, it was you who suggested this “being honest” policy, and I was always open with you. Like with almost no one ever. And you accuse _me_ of lying, claim that _my_ feelings aren`t legit. Fuck you, Daniel. Fuck you, and your entitlement. Having money might give you all the powers in the world, but one. You`re not in charge of deciding whose feelings are real or not.”

The look on Danny`s face says it all. Jorel hasn`t stopped himself in time, and he has said something that he already regrets. But what`s done is done, there`s no way back.

“I see. I got you, Jay. I`m not only the attention whore, I`m also the rich brat, who just uses people for benefit. I see, I see. Thanks for letting me know,” Danny blinks away freshly formed tears, shakes his head once again and throws last glance at Jorel before turning around and heading towards his parked car.

Jorel doesn`t follow.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there are still people reading this, then thank you so much for sticking up <3   
> Love you all!

Light breeze from the ocean is pleasant and cool against Jorel`s skin, he keeps his eyes closed, sitting on the ground, enjoying the sound of the ocean tide. Still dressed up fancier than usual, he looks like one of those people who have just had a night out of their lives. When the fun is over and all that is left to do is just waiting for five am, the time for the Metro Rail to start operating again. Of course he could have just called an Uber, or a cab or whatever. He just makes all the excuses in his head. The reason for that is simple.

_I don`t want to go home._

After the club incident, riding off of the anger and anguish, he just kept wandering around the city, one block after another. That`s how he found himself by the ocean. Despite living in the coastal city, rarely does he actually go to the beach. People are always too cheerful and happy there, kids` screams are too loud; plus, Jay`s working hours are not so friendly in this respect. So, from his point of view, spending free time on the sand under the burning sunrays isn`t worth it. The ocean isn`t going anywhere, after all. It can wait for the better times.

But definitely not the better times are the reason why he`s now here.

No matter how hard he tries to not replay the events of the past evening in his head, he fails and does it again and again.

_Is it the end? I think it is.  
So stupid. _

Perhaps, it could be officially claimed to be the first time when Jorel doesn`t feel hundred percent guilty for what`s happened.

And he is still not sure what Danny meant when mentioning Dylan. They met thanks to him, yes. And he provided some emotional support for both of them.

_Maybe they discussed something I am not aware of?_  
Fuck, don`t be ridiculous, you`re being paranoid.   
Just, call Dylan in the morning, maybe? When you calm down?

“He said you didn`t want to see me again, like, ever. So what the hell was that, then?”

Jorel almost snaps his neck, so quickly he turns his head upon hearing the voice. It`s like a reflex now, worked out after the long years of practice.   
No matter what happens, no matter what he does or has done to forget him and move on, it always takes one smallest thing to ruin all the progress and throw him back to the start.

The bottle of water Aron threw lands with a light thud in the sand by Jorel`s side. Aron sits down a bit further from Jay, too far away for someone you know, yet too close to be a stranger.

“Sorry about your date. But showing up on my show with your new fuckboy… I thought you were better than that, Jay,” Aron sounds genuinely disappointed. His voice is raspy after singing all night long. “And, I must admit that it hurt a bit, so if it was your intention, then congrats, you did it. But it just proves how shallow and cruel you actually are. And predictable… Like, I knew you`d be here. Just like at that Christmas party when you went psycho after some drunken chick persistently tried to kiss me. Sounds so fun and stupid now.”

Jorel chuckles, which surprises him. It`s not the right time for tripping with in a way happy memories. He is still pretty much in grief. “I`ve been listening to accusations all night long, maybe you could say something new?” He retaliates.

Aron wrinkles his nose, as he always does when he doesn`t quite understand something. Jorel hates himself for still remembering such small details.

“It wasn`t me who had been totally ignoring me like plague and then after hiatus randomly showed up to demonstrate how good life is with someone new. You fucking scratched me from your life, I tried to contact you after I left the rehab place. Like, yeah, we sort of broke up, but pretending that I don`t exist… Man, that`s fucked up and super immature…”

“What the hell are you even talking about?! I suffered without you for months, for fucking months, crying every night because it hurt so bad. My life went to shit after you left. And after all of that I get a letter, which was meant as some kind of a joke, right? Another cruel joke, the last one. Like, instead of saying goodbye personally, you chose the easiest route and just put everything down on paper and avoided any contact in real life, enjoying your new celebrity life. How fucked up is that, Aron? Please, tell me, because I really wanna know.”

“Uhhhm, excuse me, Mister Drama, but _you_ chose to inform me via Dylan that you no longer want me in your life. Like, grow a pair and say it to my face, man. Why asking a mutual friend for this. Why involving _him_ into this. It`s _our_ private life, Jay. At least it seemed so to me. The day I was done with the rehab, I got a call from Dylan. He had something to tell me, but you already know what it was about. About your sorry ass not wanting me to keep on ruining your brittle life anymore. And I respected this decision of yours, even though it almost broke me even more than my mental issues and addictions combined…” With every new word Aron`s voice became quieter. Jay dares to raise his eyes and look at him. Aron is silently crying. “You betrayed me. But still I couldn`t just leave everything like that. Hence the letter… So you decided to punish me for this by hurting me one last time during my show. You`re a monster, Jay. You really are. Maybe even worse than I am because I never hurt you intentionally.”

“Are you insane? Aron, listen here,” Jay pulls Aron`s tie and brings him closer. Aron`s still wearing the same outfit, black skinny jeans, white shirt with rolled up sleeves, and a black tie. “I swear, I did try to reach you back. I wanted it so badly. And I never ever said any of that bullshit to Dylan. And most certainly I would have never asked him for doing this to you. Never. So it`s either you`re messing up with me now, or I`m suffering from the loss of memory.”

Aron breaks free from Jay`s grip and takes his phone out of the pocket. “No need to threaten me. You think I`m the crazy one here? Let`s make a call and find out who`s the liar, shall we?”

“Who`re you going to call, it`s three am.”

Aron shakes his head and grins, as if he didn`t cry just now. “Dylan`s in Europe. Ever heard of time zones, smartass?”

After four rings Dylan picks up with cold, “I think I specifically told you to not contact me unless it`s emergency, didn`t I?”

Aron hits the loudspeaker button and sneers, “Well, dear Dylan. It _is_ an emergency. And you owe us some things to clarify. So drop whatever you`re doing now, as it`s going to be a damn long conversation.”


	12. Chapter 12

Is it considered to be normal, when your allegedly best friend accidentally ruins three lives while having only good intention in mind, which is to help?  
Well, not lives, it sounds too dramatic and exaggerated. But definitely fucks up some relationships.

After interrogation on the phone Aron got Dylan through, the latter cracked and admitted that he purposefully lied.

It stared as something innocent, and when the pile of lies became too big and complex, it was already too late to try and change anything. And that`s how he decided to self-entitle himself as a matchmaker.

It went pretty smoothly in the beginning. Upon finishing the rehab course, Aron was convinced by Dylan that Jorel never wanted his then ex back. So Aron did his best to give Jay space and not contact him, except for that letter. Jay was lost and lonely, but with time managed to get better, and that`s when he not that accidentally met Danny. Everyone knew that they`d be match made in heaven, and it was undeniable that there was instantly a spark between the two. Alas, everyone around but Danny and Jay themselves noticed that.

“But you guys got so much better together. Like you both helped one another with getting out of the slump. Yes, I do take responsibility for sort of isolating you from Aron. But hey, he is doing so well on his own, his career is just sky rocketing…”

Dylan had a point, yes. And definitely meant no harm.

But people are really complicated. And to predict everything is impossible as it is.

Jorel is not mad at that his friend tried to help. The most infuriating is the fact that the constant lying and actions behind his back took place.

He could`ve just said the truth. But no. Dylan did everything on his own, deciding what`s best for all of them.

The sense of betrayal is insufferable.

Plus, Jorel feels like he is even more not in control of his own life. Probably like never before.

“You were destroying each other, and you both know it. It was torturous to watch how you both suffered.”

Dylan never apologized.

Jorel keeps quiet. He is too overwhelmed to say anything. Unlike Aron, whose voice is dangerously close to break into full scale screaming.

“…no _you_ listen, it`s your turn to stay away from me. And from him as well. And I swear if something-” Jorel, fed up with everything and deadly exhausted, yanks Aron`s phone from his hand and ends the call.

“Okay, fine!” Groans Aron, his breathing is heavy, as if he just finished running a marathon. “If _that_ ,” he mutters, suddenly quieter, “is what`s called “help” and “mean good”, then I know fucking nothing about thу world. Fuck him, and fuck everything. I don`t want to have any damn thing to do with that.”

Jorel nods absent-mindedly, and then suddenly pulls Aron into a hug. Not too tight, not too loose. Just perfect, just like he remembers. Only one thing is off, Aron is not hugging him back. He just lightly pats Jay`s shoulder and pulls away.

“I`m leaving in a month. Leaving LA, and West Coast. I got a contract in NY, going to make some new records. Then I`ll go on tour,” all Aron says. His smile is weak, as if he`s apologizing.

“That`s exactly what you wanted, man! Congratulations, I guess.” Jorel couldn`t feel more awkward now. This tension is almost tangible.

“Yeah, sort of…”

“_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”

They catch the sunrise just when the last pack of smokes is finished. They didn`t talk much other than to just catch up with everything happened in their lives during this forced break. No one pushes anyone into too personal topics. The boundaries had been set for them long ago, they changed, and they will not be that close again. Maybe until enough time passes for wounds to heal, or maybe never. The second option is the most plausible.

“Tell me, Jay. Are you happy?” Is the last thing Aron asks before leaving.

Jay smirks. “Happy is a bit too loud word. Content will do. I am definitely content now.”

“Yeah, that will do.”

“_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”_”

“Life somehow always finds its ways to return to the usual steady flow of things. It can get impossibly complicated sometimes, but afraid not. Bright side is just around the corner! Our community church is always ready to provide-”

_What the actual fuck am I even reading?_

Jorel is totally bored, so bored that he started reading various pamphlets scattered on the low plastic table. Which is always the last resort.   
The airport is pretty noisy and crowded, as usual. It`s still like a couple of hours left before his flight to Mexico departs.

Jorel feels thrilled for the holiday he`s about to have. Probably the longest holiday for the past couple of years. He has been working real hard and saving a lot for almost six months. Time to get some well-deserved rest.

He leans back into the extremely uncomfortable chair and quickly scans the people around. That`s when his phone beeps with the incoming text.

>which gate r you @ rn??   
  
Jorel rolls his eyes and dials Danny`s number. He always finds the ways to get lost, even in places as good organized as airports.

“That`d be a shame if you got lost and missed the flight. We gave out a bit too much money for this, so watch out.” Jorel grins and hears how Danny huffs in disagreement.

“Fuck you, man. I`m serious. I am winded up now enough after the crazy traffic on the way here. Don`t add up to it, I`d appreciate that. So where are you?” Despite this small tirade Danny can`t hold back a smile.

Jorel smiles too.

_It definitely was the right choice.  
I chose Danny, fought for him._

_And it was worth it._

_Maybe that`s what happiness feels like._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. This is the end. Can`t say it was the most enjoyable work for me to write, as I legit suffered through it. But there was too many personal feelings and thoughts poured into this work, more than usual.   
> Thank you all for making it till the end. Thank you for all the feedback and support. <3<3<3


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